Well, That Was Unexpected

Real life is stranger than fiction...depending on which authors you read, of course.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

i'm so happy i'm feeling snappy

what exactly about my once-in-three-weeks attendance record indicates to my professor that i will turn in 3 chapters of extra homework tomorrow? when i came in today at the break and started surmising from the lack of backpacks and one lone teacup on the desk that neither of my two remaining classmates had shown up--a suspicion that was corroborated by the russian girls in the hallway--i almost made a run for it. screw the fact that i had just spent a hellish 45 minute cab ride getting there. but then i thought, hey, maybe my teacher can bring me up to speed on what the other two guys have been studying so i can fall in line tomorrow. unfortunately i actually have been studying and am up to speed. i think it would have been a lot more evident what i think of her teaching method if i had just refused to look at the book in the interim. so, instead of giving me a crash course in the last three weeks, she gave me a long, unnecessary and unsolicited lecture on how to stay healthy--b/c i lied and told her i had been violently sick for three weeks. so, in essence, yes, i totally deserved everything that came my way-- and what the chinese doctors would do to cure me of my sickliness (disfigure me on the hottest day of the year, was the gist) and where exactly--addresses, she took up my time with addresses, people-- i could find a good traditional chinese doctor and ask them when the three hottest days of the year are so they can suction the hell out of my back. and then, oh then, she proceeded to lecture me on staying active. look, bitchwhore, the last thing i need from your memorization-obsessed saggyassed self is your moron assumption that i don't work out. she didnt even ask me. just assumed. gave me a detailed lecture on the detailed mechanics of fastwalking--postures and times of day-- so i can swing my arms properly like a batcrazy, saggypant middleaged chinese woman. we could have been discussing politics--the actual topic of the lesson and instead she is giving me a lecture on health? because there are no other students in my class to stop it, and every chinese woman who sees my chubby ass assumes that i must not have the first sherlock clue to how to take care of myself. earth to fucking confucius, i have a 150 IQ. i am from california damnit. even our down's kids inherently come imbued with nutrition and exercise facts and eating disorders. we are the capital of diet-obsessed america, for fuck's sake.yeah, yeah i know, it's her frickin taiwanese way of caring and showing concern. maybe she should show more concern that no students want to take her oppressive, torturous, ineffective class. nick still cant put a damn spontaneous sentence together. i want to say something very american. i want to say that i am tired of accomodating chinese culture. of sweetly pretending that her advice is wanted or useful, of putting on a sweet polite face when i want to tell her off, acting like i havent heard everything she is saying like 500 times, of letting her waste an hour of both of our time. time better spent sitting around with our thumbs up our asses in silence, much less in a productive, pleasurable activity. i want to be able to speak to someone directly. look, i'm an adult, i have to work, and i'm busy and i have life and issues, and i've paid you to teach me chinese and however much i want to show up i will and you can grind the hell out of me about my vocab sentences, sit and scoff at my tones, etc. but if i hear one more lecture on drinking warm water and the order in which to ingest my food and hot and cold food and not sweating before entering air conditioning, i'm going to drop-kick someone to the great wall. how exactly is it that every lay chinese person is a fucking physiology expert? so then why do half the people i meet have the worst stank ass breath i've ever smelled? why does every middle aged woman who sees my chubby ass turn into an unsolicited richard simmons? whores--i exercise every day and i'm still fat. so shut the F Up! why cant someone be sensitive to my western culture for damn once and keep their trap shut about how fat my ass is? your culture allowed the cultural revolution! so don't think you're the cat's meow of cultures, racist assholes, you guys slaughtered the hell out of each other, out of your family members for whom you supposedly care so much that you abide by and propagate this nonsensical hierarchical, duplicitous culture. drinking warm water and eating specific fruit pairings the whole time. didnt think to use gunpowder for anything but fireworks and now you have a mediocrity complex because you couldnt fight off the brits? get the hell over it, and stop driving your kids to suicide by being disappointed with them, and what the fuck is the deal with the obsession with science and math? get over it, other things matter. stop killing your women and coming up with the latest and greatest unstoppable diseases. yeah, i'm going to listen to the people who have allowed their women to be nameless for centuries. ahem. anyway, at the end of her little health lecture she had the gall to tell me to bring in 3 chapters of homework tomorrow. homework on chapters we didnt even talk about b/c she was wrongly assuming i don't know how to walk properly. bwahahaahah. she is clearly a few steps short of an eightfold path. how do you say "shove chapter 9's homework up your ass" in chinese?

okay, i'm done. i'm cool, i'm calm. i was actually far more vitriolic on the phone with lauren. after my tedious discussion with my professor i hauled ass and wasted money on a cab only to find that my psychiatrist with the rotting teeth who has TWO OFFICE HOURS PER WEEK had left early because he hadnt had many patients. i was so pissed. what is he going to do? go home and smoke some more to rot the rest of his teeth? he could have gone downstairs and done that. chinese work ethic my ass. i not only wasted money but now i have to waste money again to go see him next week. something that i must clearly skip class to do.

what's hilarious is that i actually had a fabulous start to the day. really, before 5:30pm i was having one of those days where even the street lights turn green when they see you coming. just an outfuckingstanding, stellar day.


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