Well, That Was Unexpected

Real life is stranger than fiction...depending on which authors you read, of course.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Eharmony response by Elizabeth

scarlett johansson is auctioning off a date with her hot self, which leads me to the sad wasteland of thought that includes how much a date with ME would auction off for. (i.e. can one auction into negative numbers)

in any case, in the vein of posting other people's thoughts on my blog--please do see the hillary clinton piece by jim wallis below--everything below this paragraph was written as a response by my friend elizabeth to an email sent out by eharmony. the parenthetical comments are hers and are hilarious. i hope you enjoy them as much as i did.

Oh my God! A woman flirting with a single man? We MUST alert the church elders!A friend of mine who is currently doing the eHarmony thing jokingly forwarded me this awesome advice column on how to flirt. It was extremely useful, so I thought I would share it with all of you in case you needed some guidance.

Flirting 101 for the Ladies ("the" "Ladies"? This article was so written by a dude)

Welcome to Flirting 101, your guide to charming any prince in 2008. Whether you're a natural-born lash-batter (Ouch. Sounds dangerous.) interested in brushing up on your skills or a novice looking to cultivate your come-hither credentials, this is the year to embrace the fine art of flirting. (Shoot. And here I was all ready to waste time graduating law school and passing the bar. Thanks, article, for helping me dodge that bullet!) Ready to get your flirt on? (Geez. Only if I can raise the roof and let the dogs out at the same time. Got flirt? This article is so cutting edge.) Let's get started!

First, it's important to acknowledge that flirting can happen anywhere, at any time, with anyone. (Disclaimer: Except, of course, with minors, the elderly, married folks, people of the same gender -- this is eHarmony, after all.) From picking out produce (while picking up guys) (or picking your nose or picking some flowers) at the grocery store to making casual conversation while standing in line for your latte to exchanging flirty glances at the dog park (hopefully with other people, but he did say "anyone"), you can-and should-flirt daily! (No need to focus on living your life: focus instead on catching your man!) After all, practice makes perfect, and to become a seasoned flirting pro you should practice often.

Second, it's equally important to know that flirting doesn't have to lead anywhere. You can routinely flirt with cute strangers and never give them your name or number. By flirting regularly, you allow yourself to hone your flirting style so that when you do meet someone you're interested in, you'll have all the right moves. (Thank God for that. I've been up nights worrying.) The result? He'll ask for your number in no time. Score! (And joy poured forth from the heavens. My every wish granted – a penis-waver to call my very own.)

Now that you're down with the importance of flirting daily, here are some tips to help cultivate your individual flirting style: (and by "individual," we of course mean, "just like every other woman reading this article.")

Be yourself (and always be prepared) (As long as "yourself" is always centered around how best to make strangers find you attractive at every moment in the day)

To flirt with confidence, you don't need to channel Marilyn Monroe. Instead, it's important to be yourself-your smart, sweet, sexy self, that is! And because flirting can happen anytime and anywhere, a seasoned flirter takes her cue from the Boy Scouts (What about the Girl Scouts? Asshole.) and is always prepared, not to mention looking her best. That doesn't mean wearing tons of makeup to the gym or stilettos to the supermarket. No, to be the best version of yourself, you should follow this simple rule: Always leave the house with the appropriate amount of makeup, hair styling, and cute and comfortable clothing for the day ahead of you. (Um, the appropriate amount of makeup for the gym is zero. Zero makeup.) That way, if you happen to spot a cute stranger while running your Saturday errands or on the way home from work in the evening, you're armed and ready to get your fabulous flirt on! (Wow, so he likes that catch phrase a lot. Do you think he uses this in other areas of his life too? Like, in the evening, he gets his floss on prior to getting his sleep on?)

Make the most of your flirting moves

When you do find someone you'd like to flirt with, it's time to use your best flirting moves. These include making eye contact and then looking away, offering a shy inviting smile, and playing with your hair. (These tips are particularly helpful if you find yourself flirting in 1934.) If the object of your flirtation approaches, let him do the initial talking and respond with subtle enthusiasm and confidence. Continue to make eye contact and smile. If he says something funny, be sure to laugh. (Well, shit. Now I see where my problem has been.) That's a definite ego boost for any guy who's brave enough to approach a cute girl! (And Lord knows what most guys need is more ego.) Be sure to give him the occasional compliment to encourage him. (For instance, "I hear you were born with a penis! Well done you!") Finally, if you're enjoying the flirt fest and would like him to continue and/or ask for your number, find a reason to touch your guy. (Not there, pervy . . .) If you're talking and want to emphasize a point, squeeze his arm. (And squeal, "Jinkies! Is that your bicep?") If he says something particularly amusing, laugh and lightly touch his hand or leg. (If it's *really* amusing, just give his crotch a good firm squeeze.) These simple flirting moves tell the object of your flirtation that you're interested, giving him the green light to ask for your number.

Don't try too hard (Other than wearing makeup to the gym and practicing your "shy inviting smile" in the mirror every night)

Flirting is a subtle sport, and one that should not be played too aggressively. (Oh. Well, scratch that last crotch-squeezing thing, then.) That begins with your appearance. Don't wear something too provocative (low cut, too tight, too short, too revealing) (It's important to remember that nice Christian guys are repulsed by the female body, and would prefer no reminders that you have icky girl bits like breasts hanging off you.) It sends the wrong message that you're not so much flirty as you are, well, easy. (Unless you actually are easy. In which case, go away, whores. Find your own article.) That's actually an important distinction to make-the difference between flirting and being overtly sexual. (Try not to give off the impression that you are interested in, or have even ever considered the concept of, having sex someday.) Flirting should be light, fun, and casual, whereas being overtly sexual entails using overly suggestive words and aggressive body language. Don't make the mistake of trying too hard and being overtly sexual. (Or, alternatively, of using the phrase "overtly sexual" three times in three consecutive sentences.) Instead, relax, have fun, and be fabulously flirty! (While simultaneously being both sexless and nonthreatening. Guys dig chicks without any depth or complexity whatsoever.)

Play the game (and play to win!) (I think we can all agree that if we're using these tips, "winner" is not exactly the term that should be applied to us.)

Flirting is a game of cat and mouse. Just as you shouldn't try too hard, you should also NOT do all of the work. Let the object of your flirtation pursue you, too. Make him work a little to get that pat on the arm and/or giggle. (Personally, I request one-armed pushups from all potential suitors.) If your attention and affection come too easily, he'll quickly lose interest. Remember, you're a catch. Play the game by letting him try and catch you. (Sort of like how hyenas pursue prey until it seems like it's begging for death. Be the prey!)

Leave him wanting more

Even if you're having the time of your life, always, always, always, leave him wanting more. Cut the conversation or date short, using a variety of vague excuses that'll make him wish he had just a few more minutes of your fabulous time. (Better yet, kick him in the balls and run the other direction. That really gets 'em going.) Excuse examples include:
"This has been fun, but I really have to go."
"Look at the time. I should get going."
"It's been great talking to you, but I can't stay any longer."
(Other excuse examples: "I'm sorry, I have to go practice how to more perfectly mold myself to every man's fantasy of a vapid penis-worshipper," or "I have to leave so I can pretend to be more fabulous than you while really calculating my every move in a desperate attempt to make you like me.")

By being just a little bit mysterious, your guy will go out of his way to try and see you again. If he hasn't already, he'll definitely ask for your number now that he feels you slipping away. And then it's up to you whether or not you hand him your digits. (Which of course you will. He's a man, and having a man is always better than not having one.)

In 2008, the key to flirting lies in being yourself, practicing regularly, and making the most of your finely honed flirting moves. By becoming a seasoned pro, you greatly increase your chances of dating success because you've mastered the art of not only getting a guy's attention but playing the game and leaving him wanting more. Soon you'll be able to charm any prince who strikes your fancy. (Especially once he finds out that all that charm was lifted directly from a lame dating website article.) And in the meantime? Flirt away! (No. GET YOUR FLIRT ON. Haven't you been listening at all?)

I think we all learned a little something, don't you?


Anonymous chris said...

I'm always partial to the flirt move that girls do when they rifle through my wallet- gotta love a girl with priorities-should I carry around my stock portfolio too?

Hilarious post by the way!

11:45 PM  

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