Well, That Was Unexpected

Real life is stranger than fiction...depending on which authors you read, of course.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Taiwani Vice

My Diet Cokes of late have been unfortunately festooned with a picture of a woman who probably would have figured prominently in Saddam Hussein art or on the cover of any number of fantasy books that would have been denied like Jesus by Peter by one CJH in her high school years. and underneath this rather uncomfortably dressed, buxom woman there is an ad for "Lord of Warcraft." Because I bet a lot of video game players are diet coke freaks. hmm. branching out to a new market? in other news, I'm pretty sure that the man who sells delicious turkish style chicken sandwiches next to my work does so illegally--but how do you get away with showing up nightly with a huge chicken spit in the back of a truck with like 10 chickens worth of meat on it and coolers full of condiments?

Keanu Reeves has announced that he is ready to start a family. Luckily, I am ready to be the matriarch of his clan, bearing his babies and traveling around the world distributing millions of dollars to the needy and to his underappreciated movie crews. I think this will work out splendidly. He's the only old man that I would consider dating. I mean, 40 is really halfway to death--possibly even more in chain-smoking Keanu's case. But the man is adorable and on the prowl. I wonder how many women will suddenly take a look at the putz they've been dating and drop him like a bad habit. If Keanu is lonely (or, ronery as my high school students might say), there have definitely got to be other unheinous guys out there. To incorporate Pearl Jam into this debacle of a paragraph, if the reason you stick with someone is because you "can't find a better man" then I think you can just use Keanu as a big excuse to dump his ass.

In other news, if you want to drink tequila, you need to befriend myself and miss Naomi Biesheuvel. Because we are the hookup. At our last, and my last ever, trivia contest, we placed 2nd, but the real coup was our winning two free rounds of tequila for our team, which by the way, included these two--don't get your hopes up--totally undesirable Australian guys, and one of their newly minted Taiwanese girlfriends. One was in the Aussie airforce and was stationed in Malaysia. He was visiting his friend who has been teaching here for 4 months and went from single to yoked-to-an-asian-woman-he-can't-actually-communicate-with in a mere 6 weeks. In any case, since our other loser coworkers didn't show up, we were quite glad for the company. Naomi managed to win us a round of tequila by being the only person to know Lucy Liu's last name on Ally McBeal--Wu, by the way. I won us a round of tequila by being the first to identify Jackie Chan's face as it was being slowly revealed. It was in the Who Are You section which involves everyone shouting simultaneously while the two Swedish babes who assist the host try to discern who said it first. If I will be in your vicinity soon, it might be worth a reenactment of me screaming IT'S JAACCCKKKKIIIIEEEEEE CCCHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN like a complete lunatic at the top of my lungs...multiple times. I felt like an ass, but the table next to us, the eventual winners, were duly impressed and were rooting for me when other people tried to claim victory. awwwww. and that would include Ainsley, who freely referred to his habit of looking at porn online, which breaks my heart because really, that's just setting himself up for fiction. and ainsley deserves, and quite frankly, as a white pagan man in taiwan, could very easily obtain, a real woman.

In self-revelation news: tequila is my liquor of choice. I had three shots of tequila (all free, mind you) and one pint and was totally sober, if exhausted, at the end of the evening. After two glasses of wine? I'm dialing up everyone I love babbling on and on about how much I love them, man. After 4 glasses of wine, I have no idea what happened the next morning. I don't think I've ever had a hangover with other alcohols. So bizarre.

Hmm, this blog is full of vice thus far. Let's go on to something more sordid: politics, shall we?

Mayor Ma is trying to oust President Chen from office because of all the scandals with his relatives. Clearly Ma has nothing better to do. I'm not convinced Ma cares about the people of Taiwan. I think he only cares about himself and his party. I never read about him promoting any of his social platforms. I only read about how he shows up at athletic events looking hot and taking photo ops and about his moves to usurp the KMT. "I'm Mayor Ma, look at me, I'm running a marathon and hating Chen Shuibian." The other day I saw a huge billboard with a DPP legislator's picture and it was a huge apology for their party doing so poorly in the last round of elections and saying they would try to do better in the future. I wonder what Americans would do if our government officials apologized for sucking.

Smells of chicken sandwich are wafting to my nose. Jessie and I have lately been having to fend off all the people who want to have lunch with us. People whose names we sometimes don't even know. I wrote down that I was having lunch with Iris one day when really it was with Sophie. A girl Jessie didn't know asked her to go to a naked spa with her before she leaves. Heh heh.

Yesterday I found a store down the street that should just be called "lots of Japanese crap." Seriously, they had lingerie next to cookies and knicknacks. 100-dollar tea sets next to a big basket of bath salts and racks of Burberry knockoffs. It reminds me of a store we used to pass in Montana called Gems and Video or Hiram's Liquor and Guns in El Cajon.

Hey, you guys should go vote for my friend Lamont's animated short, Mydas Touch. Lamont will work for Pixar someday--so you should vote for him so he can hook us up with free movie passes and cool gear. yeah!


Anonymous Julia said...

julie anne,

i think i will add the jackie chan bit to the long list of other reenactments i ask you to perform on a regular basis, most notably your impression of eric bana's impression of ang lee's directorial skills, as well as pronouncing the word "volleyball" and "i will not yield" in your russian accent. hilarious, julie anne, hilarious.

also, i think you and keanu would be completely adorable. he is actually a very sweet man from everything i've read. very kind. and what intelligence he lacks, you can more than make up for. so i approve of him as a temporary distraction, before our ultimate fate of ending up in a nursing home together cracking each other up until the end.


10:47 AM  
Anonymous Lamont said...

DUDE! You totally rock! Not only did I love finding a reference of my FAVORITE food from my time in Taiwan in your blog today..but I find you plug my animation! you so TOTALLY are set with those movie tickets..even if I have to pay for them outta my pocket!!

4:39 PM  
Anonymous CJH said...

I am glad to see that the sensibility of totally geeky SF boys has made its way to the diet coke of Taiwan. I always love it when a perfectly decent SF book suddenly turns into a teenage boy fantasy book, complete with half naked willing women. Apparently, the same fate is now overtaking sodas. Where will it strike next?

I agree with Julia, you and Keanu would be an adorable couple. And you have a hysterical Russian accent.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Julie Hartle said...

yeah, babe, that saddam hussein art reference was all for you!

6:33 PM  

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